Masochist birds and the salad of pain

The salad of pain is a sweet and sour assault on the palate, a pungent punch of raw garlic and shallots, a fierce, feverish crunch of mustardy cabbage, an addictive exploitation of the mouth by all sorts of abusive chillies. But, it wouldn't be the salad of pain if you didn't keep going, trudging on through the sweet agony and secretly enjoying yourself.

What's to enjoy? Capasicin gets to work on the body's temperature regulation, making the body feel hotter than it actually is. We sweat. The blood flow in the skin is heavier than usual. We throb. The body's metabolic rate increases. We pant. And then there's that inexplicably pleasurable burn...Pleasurable in the mouth, yes, but not elsewhere. A cautionary tale: J is for Jimmy, who, in the midst of making an Indonesian beef curry, dashed off to the loo, touched his person with chilli fingers and suffered the consequences on a most...sensitive part of his anatomy. The curry was spectacular--had that intense, dry heat that got the back of your throat. But think of poor Jimmy: wear gloves, oil your fingers or wash your hands after handling chillies, before touching yourself. Unless of course you like the pain. Unless you're kinda freaky...

for the dressing of pain:

3/4 cup light brown sugar
1/2 cup fish sauce
2 tbs tamarind paste
2 tbs sesame oil
2 tbs soy sauce
1 tbs rice vinegar
1 lemon
2 tbs hot red chilli powder
2 dry smoked chipotles
2 serranos
1 small bunch coriander
1 small bunch basil
2 cloves garlic
1 shallot

Whisk the sugar, fish sauce, tamarind, sesame oil, soy sauce, vinegar, chilli powder, and juice of 1 lemon together. Soak the dry chillies in boiling water, and chop finely. Chop the serranos, coriander, garlic, and shallots finely too and add to the dressing. Taste the dressing now. Depending on your taste, and the strength of your condiments and chillies, the dressing may need to be tuned out with more acid (vinegar), more salt (soy or plain salt), more sugar (of the brown variety), or more sour (tamarind).

If you are a big wimp, or having a bunch of big wimps come over for dinner, and want to lessen the heat, follow the same recipe, but for all chilli amounts (powder, dried, green), go down from 2 to 1.

for the salad of pain:

1/2 cabbage
1 packet of rice noodles or glass noodles.
1 nice hunk of skirt steak

Season the steak, pat dry, and sear in a hot pan. Finish in the oven, so that the meat is medium-rare. Rest and slice thinly. Put all the slices in the dressing. Slice the cabbage. Cook and chill the noodles. Pile cabbage, noodles, beef, dressing, and garnish with chopped peanuts, coriander, and a wedge of lemon. Enjoy!

NOTE: There are no safe-words when it comes to submitting yourself to the salad of pain--but, as the pain spreads from tongue to lips to throat to nostrils, try bread and yogurt (eating it that is, not saying it) to help to cease the torture.